Some of you are expecting a joke here. Like HIV stands for “Hilarious Internet Vegetarian” or something stupid like that. No, this time there’s no joke. Last week at a Kaiser in West Covina, I was told that I have HIV.
It’s not easy for me to put this into words, and it all happened so fast. Just over a week ago, things were going better than ever. I was finally back home after weeks on the road, had just won a $1,000 comedy competition, and was feeling, physically, in the best shape of my life. I even thought to myself, “Man, this is like the best my life has ever been. I’m… Happy.” My advice to you all is never have this thought. Or else you’ll soon find out you have HIV.
I’m at the gym on a pleasant Sunday, when I feel some eerie chills. I decide not to push it and return home, noticing a sore throat brewing. So I think, “Oh, I must have the flu.” My advice to you is to never think this thought. Unless you want to have AIDS.
I take it easy that night, and the next day I wake up to find some strange bumps on my fingers. I think, “Weird, I must have been bitten by a mosquito.” If you ever think this, you’re a dead man.
Over a few hours the bumps spread, covering my hands, and soon I notice some around my mouth. My girlfriend says, “I think you should go to the doctor.” Yikes! My least favorite word. (Doctor. Not girlfriend. Love you!) If you read my blogs last year (you probably did not because I suck and nobody cares about me) you’ll know I don’t trust doctors, because they prescribe you acne medication that makes all of your hair fall out and then they blame you for it, as if you need that when you’re already all stressed out from doing 1,000 days of comedy. So I tell my girlfriend “I think I’ll be okay,” and then she notices, “Sammy it’s on your feet now. And… Oh god, no… Your butt.” My butt?? I grab the phone, sobbing, screaming to Kaiser: “PLEASE HELP!”
She drives me to West Covina Kaiser, where I wait two hours while they try to connect with the Northern California database to get my ID. Advice to Kaiser patients: if you are a NorCal member, don’t get sick in SoCal. It’s not worth it; you will die in the time it takes for them to search your name. It’s like SoCal Kaiser still has beef with NorCal Kaiser over the word “hella.” So, hella hours later, the rash now covering my body, the nurse takes me to the doctor’s room, while asking advice for her niece trying to get into stand up comedy. I give her the good ol’ “hit the open mics and work hard!” while she stares at my mouth covered in lesions and decides to tell her niece to go into improv.
The doctor enters, takes a look all around my body and gasps like something has gone horribly wrong. I ask as she stands behind me, “Is it a rash?”
She hesitates. “No… I think it’s syphilis… And HIV.”
I’m thinking, “Wait, did you say syphilis???”
She hurries out, “I’m going to get a second opinion.”
“Thank you God!” I’m going to pretend like she was spelling out ‘hives’ and got distracted midway through.
She leaves and another doctor enters, examines me and gasps, like she chose the wrong door in a haunted house. She leaves and the first doctor slips back in. “So, we both talked, and agreed… It’s syphilis and HIV.” WHAT?? Case closed? No blood test? No goodbye to my family, no chance for a “Doctor Tells Me I Have HIV” blog post?
“Do you have sex with women or men? Or both?”
I don’t get it, why is she changing the subject now? I’m not interested in her. Well, I’m going to die anyway, and I’ve never been with a doctor: “Women.”
“When was the last time you got tested?”
I sigh, embarrassed. “A few weeks ago, but I don’t get my results until tomorrow. It’s one of the free clinics where you have to call in.”
She’s unimpressed. “Have you been getting sick a lot recently?”
I sigh again. Ugh. “Yes, five times this year already.”
She shivers like we are on CSI. “Oh my. I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m really sad to see this. This must be HIV. I’m going to get one more doctor to confirm.” She leaves and I sit in the room for what seems like a day, trying to figure out who gave me HIV. Why I haven’t noticed anyone dying on Facebook. Wondering how I’m going to tell my girlfriend. Unless she gave it to me, in which case she may have already died in the waiting room!
A new doctor comes in, and I’m ready for him to finish me off and send me home with full-blown AIDS. He takes a look and says, “I don’t think this is syphilis.” Whew! So it’s just HIV! What a relief.
“This looks like hand, foot and mouth disease.” What the? I’ve never heard of that, it sounds horrible. If I didn’t know anything about diseases and someone offered me HIV or hand-foot-and-mouth disease, I’m choosing HIV in a heartbeat. He continues, “A lot of toddlers get HFMD, but adults with compromised immune systems can as well. I’m going to give you a blood test for HIV.” Argh, never late. Bless Kaiser, their motto is “Thrive”, and apparently you can’t spell ‘thrive’ without H-I-V.
I limp to the lab, as my feet have graduated from pimples to blisters (that reminds me: congratulations to you recent grads! This is what real life is like). They draw a bottle of blood from my arm, as if I need to lose any more t-cells. I walk out to tell my girlfriend their HIV verdict, and she snaps “Who the fuck have you been cheating on me with!?” Guess it’s not her.
I do my show as normal that night, knowing it could be one of my last, so I really push my mailing list sign-ups. I stay up at night, trying to think of what I did earlier in life to deserve this, and the only thing I could think of was: comedy. The next day I call in for my STD test results from a few weeks before. The lady answers, “So you were tested for gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, and HIV. Here are your results. Gonorrhea… Negative.”
Whew. Wait, does this mean the other 3 are positive??
“Herpes… … … Negative.”
Why is she pausing for so long between results? Is she just a slow reader? Probably not the best for this job.
Ugh, just tell me already! I’m so panicked about HIV I feel like the 1980’s over here!!
“HIV… … … ………………..”
Yes? Hello? Are you asleep? Did you die of AIDS? TELL ME!!
“… Negative. Thank you for calling, goodbye.”
I drop the phone and throw my fists in the air like I just beat a life-long battle with AIDS (By the way, if you’re upset by the misleading title of this blog, take it in literally and then realize that it’s a little f*cked up you’re disappointed I don’t have HIV. You’re angry that for three minutes you thought I had HIV? I thought I had it for 24 hours!) I’ll tell you, I’ve never been happier to find out that I have hand, foot and mouth disease. Having found out that I wasn’t cheating, my girlfriend stayed with me and took care of me all week. I was itching, burning, oozing puss from sores all over my body, but I loved every minute of it, sharing my progress in gross Instagram pics. I learned that the best way to cope with HFMD, or any disease, is to first think it’s HIV. Kaiser will help you with that.
I want to make it clear that I have no idea what it’s like to really have HIV, and I don’t think HIV is a joke at all. If you take anything from my story (other than that doctors are evil aliens sent from another planet to destroy us and you must remain vigilant), it should be this: stay strong! We all get sick, and it sucks. HFMD was the worst virus I’ve ever caught, and I still don’t know how I caught it, but I know I survived it. This whole experience made me realize how much more powerful I am than a virus. It helped me remember that without my body, a virus doesn’t even have a place to live. It’s like my child, it should be thanking me for feeding it and staying up with it late at night. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let my child scare me from living my life in my own home or going out drinking with the boys to forget it exists. No way. Viruses need hosts. And I’m a national feature.