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Doctor Tells Me I Have HIV

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Some of you are expecting a joke here.  Like HIV stands for “Hilarious Internet Vegetarian” or something stupid like that.  No, this time there’s no joke.  Last week at a Kaiser in West Covina, I was told that I have HIV. It’s not easy for me to put this into words, and it all happened so fast.  Just over a week ago, things were going better than ever.  I was finally back home after weeks on the road, had just won a $1,000 comedy competition, and was feeling, physically, in the best shape of my life.  I even thought to myself, “Man, this is like the best my life has ever been. I’m… Happy.”   My advice to you all is never have this thought.  Or else you’ll soon find out you have HIV. I’m at the gym on a pleasant Sunday, when I feel some eerie chills.  I … Continue reading

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Announcing My Retirement From Comedy

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Oops, I meant “Home,” not “From.” “Announcing My Retirement Home Comedy” is what it should read.  You are a sly one, auto-correct!!  Ugh, I don’t feel like going back and fixing it, but yeah, I’m still doing comedy. In fact I’m doing even more of it!  In even more adverse locations!  I’d like to announce a new series of shows that I’m producing at retirement homes in the LA area.  Well, so far just one in Torrance and one in Sherman Oaks, but watch out Glendale!   “Awww, what a proud humanitarian,” is what I hope you’re thinking. Though it’s probably, “Yeah right, he just wants stage time and is trying to make it look noble,” or “I’m still pissed about the title baiting me in.”  Truth is, my friends, it’s all of the above! Performing at a retirement home isn’t easy, as it requires extra charm, relatable material, … Continue reading

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I Got My Pilot License!

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In sunny Los Angeles we have two seasons: early summer and late summer.  Early summer is January – April, or what the industry calls “pilot season.”   When I first heard “pilot season,” I imagined a sky filled with planes twirling around awkwardly and crashing into each other as young pilots learn to fly.  Turns out that’s exactly what LA’s pilot season is!  It’s chaos and clutter, all of us scrambling around unsure of what we’re doing, networks and actors frantically trying to make fledgling scripts fly, and, at some point, almost everyone crashes.  Kale smoothie splattered everywhere. It’s weird how airplane pilots are expected to successfully lead us to our destination, while TV pilots are generally expected to fail.  Thousands of new TV show ideas are written each year but only a slim few make it to the screen, and even less will continue to fly the skies of television.  The … Continue reading

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Joke Thievery: How to Know if You are a Hack

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Joke thievery is a very sensitive subject amongst comedians.  Altercations break out over joke stealing, and a few comedians have even been killed.  Yeah, I know! … No, just kidding, no deaths.  At least I hope.  Friendships amongst comics have definitely been killed.  As well as careers.  All in the name of trying to kill on stage. Often we call someone a “hack” if they steal jokes, though it can also simply mean that they are unoriginal.  It’s important that we realize that most cases of hackery are not deliberate, but rather a product of inexperience.  It’s not like we get mad at fledgling surgeons for copying the moves from their textbooks.  So let’s distinguish. A Level 1 Hack is someone who’s just not that original.  It’s not like they’re flat-out repeating someone’s jokes, but they re-use tired premises or apply common mechanisms that other comedians use, whether … Continue reading

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SHOCKING Secrets I Learned About Utah, Mormons and Your CREDIT SCORE!

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Some people hear “Utah” and think of Mormons, polygamy, and mountains.  Some people hear “Utah” and quickly think about something else.  Some people never hear “Utah.”   Today I’m going to address all three types of people. Let’s work backwards for simplicity. If you’ve never heard of Utah, it’s a state in a country called America.  Yeah, America.  Not North America or South America, just America.  WE OWN THE WHOLE THING.  Utah is the 50th state (if you count it last).  It’s somewhere between New York and California. If you’re traveling across the country by wagon, Utah is where you might start munching on your family! Okay, now onto the people who don’t find Utah interesting enough to think about:  first and foremost, it is physically attractive.  It’s filled with snow-capped mountains, red rock formations, rivers, and wildlife that likes to come out and say ‘hello’ as it … Continue reading

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3 Simple Steps to Find Love

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I am no more of an expert on love than Dr. Drew, though I definitely talk less about molestation.  My background is not in psychology or biology, but If there is a mathematical formula for love, I could teach the proof to children.  My credentials: UC Berkeley Applied Math’06,  3.91.  That’s GPA, not inches. I may not have the best track record with love relationships, but then again, who does?  That’s right, your old high school friends Dave and Suzie, who dated at 16, went to prom together, got married at 22, and now they live on a farm somewhere.  Or their house feels like a farm because of all the kids and animals.   Look, not everyone can be Dave and Suzie.  But there’s a valuable lesson we can learn from them: they simply gave up early.  There’s a fine line between committing to someone and just giving … Continue reading

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The Realities of Traveling the World

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I stand in line at airport security in Portland, watching the priority boarders pass us up like hot girls in a VIP line at the club.  Ah, the feeling of inferiority in the morning.  Reminds me of high school.  I can hear the guy behind me reading a sign: “Wow, so 12 year-olds don’t have to take their shoes off? I had no idea!”  What, were you born yesterday dude?  What are you thinking, that we go back in time and be 12 again so we don’t have to take our shoes off?  As if that’s an option.  Shut up.  Man, I’m grumpy today.  We split into two lines for two different conveyor belts for our luggage.  I always end up in the extra slow line… The one with the family that’s flying for the first time and tries to walk through with a can of hairspray in their … Continue reading

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The Last Month of my Twenties

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It’s fairly human to not appreciate your youth until it’s gone. I’ve never met a five year-old who says, “Wow, I’m so thankful to be young and taken care of. This is the time of my life! Y’all other ages ain’t sh*t! High five! Get it, ’cause I’m 5?” No, the five year-old wants to be the twelve year-old, who wants to be the 18 year-old, who wants to be the 21 year-old, who is confused and puking on his/her shirt. By the time many of us reach our mid-20s we realize we’ve burned our youth and then we start the stupid “I’m old!” speech. I admit, I’ve done it throughout my 20s, and it’s annoying to anyone older who hears it. Because the 20s are still young. In this country, at least. The median age of the world is 29– that is, about half of all people … Continue reading

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Booed off the Stage at my Home Club

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There’s a story comedians will often tell each other after a bad set, and that is the story of Dave Chappelle getting booed off the stage at the Apollo Theatre, back when he was a teen in the early 90′s. It’s a comforting story to a comic who just bombed, because Chappelle became such a huge success after what sounds like a bombing way worse than anything you or I (until recently) have experienced. Even back then Dave was funny, but he was young in comedy and this Harlem crowd was merciless. He recounts the experience as being one of the defining moments in his career, that shaped him into the comic he became later on. And thus, as a comedian, you hear this story and think, well, “Even if a crowd boo’s me off stage, I just might go on to be the next Dave Chappelle!” Sadly … Continue reading

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2013: Worst Year of Life, Best of Career

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What can I say about 2013 other than it was a huge mindf*@k. The year that kicked me in the nuts when I was down, but then made my dreams come true. The year that I accomplished the one thing that I put more heart and effort into than anything else in my whole life, was also the year that almost killed me, inside and out. Yet, leaving 2013 I feel nothing less than strength and fearlessness. My whole paradigm has flopped after what this year has put me through, and I now understand what’s most important in life…uhhhhh NUTHIN. Here’s the highlights: 1/1: Celebrate New Years alone in my car, no phone calls, and one mass text from some Indian dude I don’t really know 1/6: Jump in the Pacific Ocean naked with a bunch of random Europeans 1/14: Get my first commercial ‘on avail’ for role … Continue reading