princebowie

The REAL Explanation Behind the Recent Celebrity Deaths

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It began with Greg Giraldo’s passing in 2010 that I noticed something. I figured I was just high and overanalyzing, but then in 2011, when Nate Dogg, Heavy D, and Amy Winehouse passed, I noticed it again. My mind began to race, I pulled up my pants, cleared my web history of porn, and began googling celebrity deaths in the recent years to see if the pattern held up…what the…Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman, Lena Horne, Patrick Swayze, AND Farrah Fawcett? Seriously…the legend George Carlin too? Wait..the king Michael Jackson!! Oh my god, no, no…sex symbol BEA ARTHUR! Pants back down.

How could this be possible and nobody has noticed it? I decided to keep the theory to myself, for fear that I’d be crucified like Jesus (who this theory also applies to), but lately I’ve been feeling ready to die like Biggie Smalls (who this theory does not apply to but I will explain why later). And, no I’m not anticipating my own death because my career has sunken to writing conspiracy theory blog posts, but rather because…eerie drumroll….it’s a Mercury Retrograde Shadow!

Now before you tune me out from my use of millenial buzz words, listen carefully as I define what a Mercury Retrograde Shadow is. A Shadow is NOT a retrograde itself…the Shadow is the roughly 2-week period before and after a retrograde. And to be clear, this is science, not just hippy dippy tarot reading bullshit. EVERY planet goes into retrograde motion with respect to the Earth (FACT), it just so happens that Mercury does it about three times a year (FACT), which is why valley girls blame their recent break ups on it (FACT). In the period of time right before and after it’s retrograde, a planet appears to move super slow…this is called ‘the Shadow’, and it is precisely when (most) people die.

Now, you can check all these facts online yourself, please don’t take my word for it, but I’ll help you out with a simple display…I went through the last 3 years of retrograde, listed Shadow periods and the notable celebrities who died during them. Take a look:

2013
March 16-April 6: Roger Ebert

June 9-26: James Gandolfini

October 1- 21: Tom Clancy

Nov 10-30: Paul Walker

2014
Jan 22-Feb 10: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Shirley Temple (en retro)

May 24-June 7: Maya Angelou, Casey Casem (en retro)

Sep 4-Oct 1: Joan Rivers

Oct 25-Nov 10: Bill Cosby’s Career

2015
Jan 5-18: Taylor Negron

Feb 11-Mar 3: Harris Wittels, Leonard Nimoy

May 4-18: BB King

Aug 28-Sep 17: Wes Craven

2016
Jan 1 – 5: Natalie Cole, David Bowie (en retro), Alan Rickman (en retro)

Jan 25-Feb 14: Abe Vigoda, Maurice White

April 14-28: Prince, Chyna, Doris Roberts, Michelle McNamara

Next Shadow to come:
May 22-June 7: YOU (oh wait, you’re not famous, so no one will notice)

A couple important things to point out:

1) On this list I noted “en retro” for people who started to die during the pre-retrograde Shadow, then finally croaked when retrograde came a few days later. It can also happen like this in the post-retro Shadow, where a person starts dying and then finally passes a few days after Mercury goes direct (eg Michael Jackson in 2009).

2) Yes, Shadow periods are fairly frequent. They occupy about 25% of the year but about 90% of notable celebrities die during them, which is statistically significant. And not just celebrities…real, normal, boring people like us..and our boring pets. My last 3 pet deaths were all in a shadow. RIP Lulu, Hudson, and Queenie, pour out some murky dog bowl water.

3) In every Shadow period, there is what is called a “Storm”, near the end of the pre-retro shadow, and beginning of a post-retro shadow. There tends to be a higher volume of deaths during this specific period. The Storm also carries into the retrograde itself, in which people in history have died some surprise tragic deaths (eg 2pac, Princess Diana, Jimi Hendrix). We are currently in a Storm at the moment, so avoid Suge Knight, paparazzi, and choking on your own vomit.

4) The most horrific deaths happen right at the junction of a Shadow and a Retograde, also known as the “Station”
(eg Nicole Simpson June 12, 1994 and the atom bomb on Hiroshima August 6, 1945). Yup, look this shit up and call me a crazy hippy to my face. Next “Station” is this week, April 28th…anyone wanna go on a date?

5) Of course, there are exceptions to this theory. People who did not follow the die in a Shadow rule include Robin Williams (known for his spontaneity), Whitney Houston (crack addict, but died just a few days before shadow…crack speeds things up), Gary Shandling (had an aversion towards formulaic comedy, which we can project onto how he felt about death timing), Biggie Smalls (still alive), and John Lennon (but his relationship with Yoko began in a shadow).

6) And yes, September 11, 2001 was absolutely inside a Mercury Shadow. Talk about an inside job.

Again, don’t take my word; do your own research. Think about the loved ones you lost in the past, write down their death dates and then google “Mercury Retrograde calendar” for that year, and tally how many died in a Shadow and how many did not. I guarantee you will see a strong correlation, and if you don’t, it’s probably becuase you aren’t doing it right, or you don’t know enough dead people.

So then, the question people are asking right now is why so many have died this year…Bowie, Rickman, ___ (the last name of Prince). The baby boomer theory is a good one (for an amatuer theorist), but the more scientific explanation is that 2016 started in a pre-retrograde Shadow, meaning there’s been more Shadow per amount of time so far this year than there are in most normal years. And also probably because of chem trails (RIP Prince), which maybe I’ll adress in my next live video blog (which will only be available on Tidal).

Make what you want of this, I am just a messenger. And if you want to kill me for it, just know that if you do it within the next month or so you are only proving me right. Your best bet is to wait until early June, when Mercury goes direct.

-Sammy Obeid
Pants-Down Online Astrologer

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Donald Trump Supporter Heckles Stand Up Comedian

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By Jasper P. Gold March 16, 2016 Yet another Donald Trump supporter has attacked a frail ethnic person, albeit this time, an emotional attack.  And unlike the settings of the previous incidences —Trump rallies and anti-Trump protests— this was actually somewhere fun (in theory): a stand up comedy show. Known worldwide for his eight-second appearance on the Food Network in 2010 (I personally don’t eat food; also checked out a few of Obeid’s clips online, he’s not that funny), LA-based comedian ‘Sammy Obeid’ was headlining The Comedy Bar in Chicago last weekend, and I mistakenly bought tickets thinking it was David Blaine. Wearing a v-neck (speaking of mistakes), Obeid begins his set with jokes about ‘Israel/Palestine’, a popular topic amongst elite buzz-killers.   But just when you’d think Obeid’s choice of subject matter can’t get any more stupid, he scurries into math jokes, displaying his mastery of dividing … Continue reading

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Meet my Intern in Israel: Uri Ish-Shalom

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“Sammy, what are your goals for 2016?” they ask (“they” being my parents, after a long talk about cutting me off their Sprint plan).  I’m a millennial, and thus better than them, so I can respond calmly with a deeper, spiritual question: “Mom, dad…why must we always focus on goals, i.e. what we could have in the future, when we can focus on what we have right now, which for me is… 2k in savings and my recent investment in a WORLD CLASS JEWISH INTERN WORKING FOR ME IN ISRAEL RIGHT NOW AND HIS NAME IS URI ISH-SHALOM!” The door slams in my face, as my parents kick me out, noting that what I said was not spiritual, nor a question.  Do they think I’m joking, or can they not see my sincerity like my trusted blog readers (who look very sexy today, might I add?) can.  Okay, … Continue reading

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I’m Gonna Blog Again

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A few weeks ago I’m talking to a beautiful girl at a bar in LA (I won’t name names but let’s just say the girl’s name is Sassafras and the bar’s name is Jessica.)  We just met, but we’re hitting it off, she seems to be strangely in tune with my comedic sensibilities (I’m getting butterflies just telling you about this), and she suddenly stops, looks me deep in the eyes and genuinely laughs (I don’t want to spoil this story, but I’m in love, and she’s the one)…she says, “This is weird, but you look so familiar…” !!  As dreamy and awesome as it is to hear this, I have been on TV, and thus know how to handle this situation.  Take a deep breath. Even though the ego wants to rejoice, you must maintain a humble tone, and say something low-key, so I say “Ahh…well, you … Continue reading

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I’m Sick and Tired of All This White Bullshit

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The snow!!  Oops, I meant to post a pic of a snowflake.  Eh, too lazy to change it.  I swear I’m not racist, I’d hate snow if it were any color (except whatever color my skin is).  It’s just that I’m sitting out here in New England, where, historically, olivey-brownish guys like me get held down by the Man… That’s right, Frosty the Snow Man!  I’m begging him to give me the D… The vitamin, but he keeps making it snow to the point where it’s seeping into my ears and brain and now I can’t even focus on writing my revolutionary submission piece for Buzzfeed called “19 Things I Hate About White People, Because 19 Is Where I Ran Out Of Ideas.”  So this post will just have to be about snow. :/ But I pulled some strings and got my own blog to publish it! Last … Continue reading

The Chooser

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Several weeks ago, I was walking down the street and I passed a homeless man panhandling. I took in his pitiful situation and thought to myself “what if I…. Helped him?” Anyway, here’s the result of that one-off thought experiment: a sketch starring and put together by some of my comic friends. It’s the season of giving, so give it your undivided attention. Bring the family. Merry winter.

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When Someone Tells You “You Suck” :/

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I’ve been doing comedy for seven heart-wrenching years, but been doing the human being thing for a soul-crowbarring 30.  And yet, I still have no clever response to a meanie dropping a “you suck” bomb on me.  And I hear it all the time, whether it’s an attack on my comedy while on stage or an ex telling me off for not picking up her calls.  Unfortunately, I can’t just delete every “you suck” from my voicemail; it often permeates the brain and lingers for years.  And the “you suck,” no matter what shape it takes (“you smell weird,” or  “stop calling me and hanging up, you sad, sad clown,” etc.), is the basis of all hatred in this world, responsible for wars, every case of suicide, and, most depressing of all: “mean people suck” bumper stickers. But c’mon! There’s got to be a better way of coming back at such a simple expression without … Continue reading

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3 Secrets I Used To Go Viral

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So I’ve gone viral AGAIN! (The first time being when I got infected in May, see last post). More recently, a video of mine went viral on one of the highest-trafficked websites in the world (arguably the universe), World Star Hip Hop! For those unfamiliar with the self-dubbed “#1 urban outlet,” CBS News describes the site as “infamous for posting videos of violent fights and public sexual acts.”  My video was neither AND YET still yielded over 200,000 views. Let’s see what users are saying: Okay Trillest Ever, it’s been over ten days and I haven’t forgotten, so looks like you aren’t as trill as your verification suggests! And yes Greg4422, white people love it! Now, if you’re still reading you’re probably thinking, “DAMN I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS GUY’S VIDEO, I’VE NEVER SEEN A VIDEO BEFORE, THIS SOUNDS SO INTERESTING.”  I sense some sarcasm in your … Continue reading

I’m Palestinian, My Roommate is Jewish

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My roommate and I wrote and filmed this sketch a few years ago, but some friends I showed it to shot it down. So we never released it. Suddenly, it’s topical, so f*@k those friends. Enjoy.

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Doctor Tells Me I Have HIV

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Some of you are expecting a joke here.  Like HIV stands for “Hilarious Internet Vegetarian” or something stupid like that.  No, this time there’s no joke.  Last week at a Kaiser in West Covina, I was told that I have HIV. It’s not easy for me to put this into words, and it all happened so fast.  Just over a week ago, things were going better than ever.  I was finally back home after weeks on the road, had just won a $1,000 comedy competition, and was feeling, physically, in the best shape of my life.  I even thought to myself, “Man, this is like the best my life has ever been. I’m… Happy.”   My advice to you all is never have this thought.  Or else you’ll soon find out you have HIV. I’m at the gym on a pleasant Sunday, when I feel some eerie chills.  I … Continue reading

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Announcing My Retirement From Comedy

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Oops, I meant “Home,” not “From.” “Announcing My Retirement Home Comedy” is what it should read.  You are a sly one, auto-correct!!  Ugh, I don’t feel like going back and fixing it, but yeah, I’m still doing comedy. In fact I’m doing even more of it!  In even more adverse locations!  I’d like to announce a new series of shows that I’m producing at retirement homes in the LA area.  Well, so far just one in Torrance and one in Sherman Oaks, but watch out Glendale!   “Awww, what a proud humanitarian,” is what I hope you’re thinking. Though it’s probably, “Yeah right, he just wants stage time and is trying to make it look noble,” or “I’m still pissed about the title baiting me in.”  Truth is, my friends, it’s all of the above! Performing at a retirement home isn’t easy, as it requires extra charm, relatable material, … Continue reading