The Chooser

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Several weeks ago, I was walking down the street and I passed a homeless man panhandling. I took in his pitiful situation and thought to myself “what if I…. Helped him?”

Anyway, here’s the result of that one-off thought experiment: a sketch starring and put together by some of my comic friends. It’s the season of giving, so give it your undivided attention. Bring the family. Merry winter.

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When Someone Tells You “You Suck” :/

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I’ve been doing comedy for seven heart-wrenching years, but been doing the human being thing for a soul-crowbarring 30.  And yet, I still have no clever response to a meanie dropping a “you suck” bomb on me.  And I hear it all the time, whether it’s an attack on my comedy while on stage or an ex telling me off for not picking up her calls.  Unfortunately, I can’t just delete every “you suck” from my voicemail; it often permeates the brain and lingers for years.  And the “you suck,” no matter what shape it takes (“you smell weird,” or  “stop calling me and hanging up, you sad, sad clown,” etc.), is the basis of all hatred in this world, responsible for wars, every case of suicide, and, most depressing of all: “mean people suck” bumper stickers. But c’mon! There’s got to be a better way of coming back at such a simple expression without … Continue reading

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3 Secrets I Used To Go Viral

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So I’ve gone viral AGAIN! (The first time being when I got infected in May, see last post). More recently, a video of mine went viral on one of the highest-trafficked websites in the world (arguably the universe), World Star Hip Hop! For those unfamiliar with the self-dubbed “#1 urban outlet,” CBS News describes the site as “infamous for posting videos of violent fights and public sexual acts.”  My video was neither AND YET still yielded over 200,000 views. Let’s see what users are saying: Okay Trillest Ever, it’s been over ten days and I haven’t forgotten, so looks like you aren’t as trill as your verification suggests! And yes Greg4422, white people love it! Now, if you’re still reading you’re probably thinking, “DAMN I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS GUY’S VIDEO, I’VE NEVER SEEN A VIDEO BEFORE, THIS SOUNDS SO INTERESTING.”  I sense some sarcasm in your … Continue reading

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Doctor Tells Me I Have HIV

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Some of you are expecting a joke here.  Like HIV stands for “Hilarious Internet Vegetarian” or something stupid like that.  No, this time there’s no joke.  Last week at a Kaiser in West Covina, I was told that I have HIV. It’s not easy for me to put this into words, and it all happened so fast.  Just over a week ago, things were going better than ever.  I was finally back home after weeks on the road, had just won a $1,000 comedy competition, and was feeling, physically, in the best shape of my life.  I even thought to myself, “Man, this is like the best my life has ever been. I’m… Happy.”   My advice to you all is never have this thought.  Or else you’ll soon find out you have HIV. I’m at the gym on a pleasant Sunday, when I feel some eerie chills.  I … Continue reading

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Announcing My Retirement From Comedy

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Oops, I meant “Home,” not “From.” “Announcing My Retirement Home Comedy” is what it should read.  You are a sly one, auto-correct!!  Ugh, I don’t feel like going back and fixing it, but yeah, I’m still doing comedy. In fact I’m doing even more of it!  In even more adverse locations!  I’d like to announce a new series of shows that I’m producing at retirement homes in the LA area.  Well, so far just one in Torrance and one in Sherman Oaks, but watch out Glendale!   “Awww, what a proud humanitarian,” is what I hope you’re thinking. Though it’s probably, “Yeah right, he just wants stage time and is trying to make it look noble,” or “I’m still pissed about the title baiting me in.”  Truth is, my friends, it’s all of the above! Performing at a retirement home isn’t easy, as it requires extra charm, relatable material, … Continue reading

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I Got My Pilot License!

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In sunny Los Angeles we have two seasons: early summer and late summer.  Early summer is January – April, or what the industry calls “pilot season.”   When I first heard “pilot season,” I imagined a sky filled with planes twirling around awkwardly and crashing into each other as young pilots learn to fly.  Turns out that’s exactly what LA’s pilot season is!  It’s chaos and clutter, all of us scrambling around unsure of what we’re doing, networks and actors frantically trying to make fledgling scripts fly, and, at some point, almost everyone crashes.  Kale smoothie splattered everywhere. It’s weird how airplane pilots are expected to successfully lead us to our destination, while TV pilots are generally expected to fail.  Thousands of new TV show ideas are written each year but only a slim few make it to the screen, and even less will continue to fly the skies of television.  The … Continue reading

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Joke Thievery: How to Know if You are a Hack

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Joke thievery is a very sensitive subject amongst comedians.  Altercations break out over joke stealing, and a few comedians have even been killed.  Yeah, I know! … No, just kidding, no deaths.  At least I hope.  Friendships amongst comics have definitely been killed.  As well as careers.  All in the name of trying to kill on stage. Often we call someone a “hack” if they steal jokes, though it can also simply mean that they are unoriginal.  It’s important that we realize that most cases of hackery are not deliberate, but rather a product of inexperience.  It’s not like we get mad at fledgling surgeons for copying the moves from their textbooks.  So let’s distinguish. A Level 1 Hack is someone who’s just not that original.  It’s not like they’re flat-out repeating someone’s jokes, but they re-use tired premises or apply common mechanisms that other comedians use, whether … Continue reading

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SHOCKING Secrets I Learned About Utah, Mormons and Your CREDIT SCORE!

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Some people hear “Utah” and think of Mormons, polygamy, and mountains.  Some people hear “Utah” and quickly think about something else.  Some people never hear “Utah.”   Today I’m going to address all three types of people. Let’s work backwards for simplicity. If you’ve never heard of Utah, it’s a state in a country called America.  Yeah, America.  Not North America or South America, just America.  WE OWN THE WHOLE THING.  Utah is the 50th state (if you count it last).  It’s somewhere between New York and California. If you’re traveling across the country by wagon, Utah is where you might start munching on your family! Okay, now onto the people who don’t find Utah interesting enough to think about:  first and foremost, it is physically attractive.  It’s filled with snow-capped mountains, red rock formations, rivers, and wildlife that likes to come out and say ‘hello’ as it … Continue reading

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3 Simple Steps to Find Love

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I am no more of an expert on love than Dr. Drew, though I definitely talk less about molestation.  My background is not in psychology or biology, but If there is a mathematical formula for love, I could teach the proof to children.  My credentials: UC Berkeley Applied Math’06,  3.91.  That’s GPA, not inches. I may not have the best track record with love relationships, but then again, who does?  That’s right, your old high school friends Dave and Suzie, who dated at 16, went to prom together, got married at 22, and now they live on a farm somewhere.  Or their house feels like a farm because of all the kids and animals.   Look, not everyone can be Dave and Suzie.  But there’s a valuable lesson we can learn from them: they simply gave up early.  There’s a fine line between committing to someone and just giving … Continue reading

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The Realities of Traveling the World

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I stand in line at airport security in Portland, watching the priority boarders pass us up like hot girls in a VIP line at the club.  Ah, the feeling of inferiority in the morning.  Reminds me of high school.  I can hear the guy behind me reading a sign: “Wow, so 12 year-olds don’t have to take their shoes off? I had no idea!”  What, were you born yesterday dude?  What are you thinking, that we go back in time and be 12 again so we don’t have to take our shoes off?  As if that’s an option.  Shut up.  Man, I’m grumpy today.  We split into two lines for two different conveyor belts for our luggage.  I always end up in the extra slow line… The one with the family that’s flying for the first time and tries to walk through with a can of hairspray in their … Continue reading