The REAL Explanation Behind the Recent Celebrity Deaths

It began with Greg Giraldo’s passing in 2010 that I noticed something. I figured I was just high and overanalyzing, but then in 2011, when Nate Dogg, Heavy D, and Amy Winehouse passed, I noticed it again. My mind began to race, I pulled up my pants, cleared my web history of porn, and began googling celebrity deaths in the recent years to see if the pattern held up…what the…Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman, Lena Horne, Patrick Swayze, AND Farrah Fawcett? Seriously…the legend George Carlin too? Wait..the king Michael Jackson!! Oh my god, no, no…sex symbol BEA ARTHUR! Pants back down.

How could this be possible and nobody has noticed it? I decided to keep the theory to myself, for fear that I’d be crucified like Jesus (who this theory also applies to), but lately I’ve been feeling ready to die like Biggie Smalls (who this theory does not apply to but I will explain why later). And, no I’m not anticipating my own death because my career has sunken to writing conspiracy theory blog posts, but rather because…eerie drumroll….it’s a Mercury Retrograde Shadow!

Now before you tune me out from my use of millenial buzz words, listen carefully as I define what a Mercury Retrograde Shadow is. A Shadow is NOT a retrograde itself…the Shadow is the roughly 2-week period before and after a retrograde. And to be clear, this is science, not just hippy dippy tarot reading bullshit. EVERY planet goes into retrograde motion with respect to the Earth (FACT), it just so happens that Mercury does it about three times a year (FACT), which is why valley girls blame their recent break ups on it (FACT). In the period of time right before and after it’s retrograde, a planet appears to move super slow…this is called ‘the Shadow’, and it is precisely when (most) people die.

Now, you can check all these facts online yourself, please don’t take my word for it, but I’ll help you out with a simple display…I went through the last 3 years of retrograde, listed Shadow periods and the notable celebrities who died during them. Take a look:

March 16-April 6: Roger Ebert

June 9-26: James Gandolfini

October 1- 21: Tom Clancy

Nov 10-30: Paul Walker

Jan 22-Feb 10: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Shirley Temple (en retro)

May 24-June 7: Maya Angelou, Casey Casem (en retro)

Sep 4-Oct 1: Joan Rivers

Oct 25-Nov 10: Bill Cosby’s Career

Jan 5-18: Taylor Negron

Feb 11-Mar 3: Harris Wittels, Leonard Nimoy

May 4-18: BB King

Aug 28-Sep 17: Wes Craven

Jan 1 – 5: Natalie Cole, David Bowie (en retro), Alan Rickman (en retro)

Jan 25-Feb 14: Abe Vigoda, Maurice White

April 14-28: Prince, Chyna, Doris Roberts, Michelle McNamara

Next Shadow to come:
May 22-June 7: YOU (oh wait, you’re not famous, so no one will notice)

A couple important things to point out:

1) On this list I noted “en retro” for people who started to die during the pre-retrograde Shadow, then finally croaked when retrograde came a few days later. It can also happen like this in the post-retro Shadow, where a person starts dying and then finally passes a few days after Mercury goes direct (eg Michael Jackson in 2009).

2) Yes, Shadow periods are fairly frequent. They occupy about 25% of the year but about 90% of notable celebrities die during them, which is statistically significant. And not just celebrities…real, normal, boring people like us..and our boring pets. My last 3 pet deaths were all in a shadow. RIP Lulu, Hudson, and Queenie, pour out some murky dog bowl water.

3) In every Shadow period, there is what is called a “Storm”, near the end of the pre-retro shadow, and beginning of a post-retro shadow. There tends to be a higher volume of deaths during this specific period. The Storm also carries into the retrograde itself, in which people in history have died some surprise tragic deaths (eg 2pac, Princess Diana, Jimi Hendrix). We are currently in a Storm at the moment, so avoid Suge Knight, paparazzi, and choking on your own vomit.

4) The most horrific deaths happen right at the junction of a Shadow and a Retograde, also known as the “Station”
(eg Nicole Simpson June 12, 1994 and the atom bomb on Hiroshima August 6, 1945). Yup, look this shit up and call me a crazy hippy to my face. Next “Station” is this week, April 28th…anyone wanna go on a date?

5) Of course, there are exceptions to this theory. People who did not follow the die in a Shadow rule include Robin Williams (known for his spontaneity), Whitney Houston (crack addict, but died just a few days before shadow…crack speeds things up), Gary Shandling (had an aversion towards formulaic comedy, which we can project onto how he felt about death timing), Biggie Smalls (still alive), and John Lennon (but his relationship with Yoko began in a shadow).

6) And yes, September 11, 2001 was absolutely inside a Mercury Shadow. Talk about an inside job.

Again, don’t take my word; do your own research. Think about the loved ones you lost in the past, write down their death dates and then google “Mercury Retrograde calendar” for that year, and tally how many died in a Shadow and how many did not. I guarantee you will see a strong correlation, and if you don’t, it’s probably becuase you aren’t doing it right, or you don’t know enough dead people.

So then, the question people are asking right now is why so many have died this year…Bowie, Rickman, ___ (the last name of Prince). The baby boomer theory is a good one (for an amatuer theorist), but the more scientific explanation is that 2016 started in a pre-retrograde Shadow, meaning there’s been more Shadow per amount of time so far this year than there are in most normal years. And also probably because of chem trails (RIP Prince), which maybe I’ll adress in my next live video blog (which will only be available on Tidal).

Make what you want of this, I am just a messenger. And if you want to kill me for it, just know that if you do it within the next month or so you are only proving me right. Your best bet is to wait until early June, when Mercury goes direct.

-Sammy Obeid
Pants-Down Online Astrologer