I’m Sick and Tired of All This White Bullshit

The snow!!  Oops, I meant to post a pic of a snowflake.  Eh, too lazy to change it.  I swear I’m not racist, I’d hate snow if it were any color (except whatever color my skin is).  It’s just that I’m sitting out here in New England, where, historically, olivey-brownish guys like me get held down by the Man… That’s right, Frosty the Snow Man!  I’m begging him to give me the D… The vitamin, but he keeps making it snow to the point where it’s seeping into my ears and brain and now I can’t even focus on writing my revolutionary submission piece for Buzzfeed called “19 Things I Hate About White People, Because 19 Is Where I Ran Out Of Ideas.”  So this post will just have to be about snow. :/ But I pulled some strings and got my own blog to publish it!

Last Tuesday I was supposed to fly into Boston for a week of college shows on the friendly Eastern seaboard, but apparently God (who I hate in any color) had Tuesday set aside for what the Weather Channel called THE MOST HISTORIC BLIZZARD SINCE 2013!  Yes, two years of history!  Just like every relationship I’ve been in, haha!  Ugh, I just got really sad.

So Monday night I finish packing my suitcase full of the snuggliest stuff I have, scarves, warm kittens, etc., and then *buzz* I get the text that my Southwest flight to Boston is cancelled.  Dammit.  Okay, no worries, I booked a contingency flight to Queens!  That’s the beauty of Southwest, you can book as many flights as you want and cancel at any time for a full credit refund.  It’s like they don’t even care you stood them up.  I’ve been doing this for years and have a system to beat the syst– *buzz* Flight to Queens cancelled too.  DAMMIT!  Okay, all good, I still got one to Jersey too! *buzz*  MOTHERF– No wait, that’s just my sister texting me!  She says “Hey Sam, wanna get lunch?  Also, I work for Southwest now and this is a courtesy text letting you know Jersey is cancelled too.  Give up.”  AARGH!

This storm must be the worst ever, and you can’t even call out global warming, because it’s cold, so you just have to say “climate change” which sounds like a pussy-ass PC euphemism.  Like “Global warming?  What are you living in the 50’s?  The climate has the right to go both ways now.  And P.S., women can vote now, you chauvinist pig.”  I call my East Coast friend, Tom, to make sure he’s okay, expecting to hear fierce winds blowing into the phone and shrieking fire alarms (I just assume they use those for snow too), but Tom answers with a cheery “Hey!!  What’s up?”

… What’s up??  Are you alive?  “Eh, it’s not so bad over here, we’re just drinking hot cocoa hehe.”  Hot cocoa??! In a time like this??  During a storm that Fox News calls “LIFE THREATENING.  YOU WILL DIE, ALL OF YOU WILL F@#KING DIE (but don’t worry, climate change is not real).”  Tom, you better save some hot cocoa to splash on your gangrened hands after you’re pounced on by a roving avalanche!  I’m not coming out there, no way.  You can’t trust a storm that forecasters named “Juno,” the pleasant month of June’s evil ethnic twin brother.  Ooh, ethnic storm names, that could be reason #20!

So a day passes, and I’m still sitting half naked in one of California’s hottest summer-winters next to a suitcase of screaming kitties, trying to decide if I should cancel this trip completely and lose a year of eating or fly to the East coast to salvage the rest of my lunch money at shows in Maine, New Hampshire, and upstate New York; a.k.a. the area that the weather updates show with a skull and crossbones over it (but the skull has a cute snow cap). To make things trickier, forecasts say the area could get as much 2 feet of snow to as little as negative 2 feet because the sun could come out and everyone might go swimming in the snowmelt instead.  Damn your freedom of choice, climate change!  I ask my agent if she thinks the colleges will reschedule and she tells me that chances are slim, ranging from 2 feet of Probably Not to a record-setting They’ve Already Forgotten About You.  Oh hell no, I refuse to be forgotten so fast!  It usually takes my exes 2 years hahahaha! Ugh, sad again.

I throw some extra cats into the suitcase and fly to Manchester where I meet my comic buddy Lyall, who’s gonna open for me on this run.  You’d think I’d be using him to help with the 30 hours of driving, but he actually doesn’t have a driver’s license, which just proves that I’m a better person than you thought.  So with me behind the wheel and Lyall as our car’s designated ice-scraper, we embark on a four state Juno tour, occasionally stopping to let the kitties get some cocoa as we frolick in the NY snow (#blizzardboyfriends). But Lyall is black, so no snowball fights for us.  Hey, reason #21!

Don’t get me wrong, I love our law enforcement just as much as I love our founding fathers (about 3/5ths of a full love), but I can see now why the Declaration of Independence was signed in July…  If they’d waited until winter, they would’ve had second thoughts.  “I mean, what’s so bad about dependence anyway??  Could we get that hot tea back out of the harbor??”  *scraping ice from their horses*

Long story still pretty long, God hates me (or the Patriots for the ball deflating fiasco), I hate the snow, climate change is real, and I’m not capable of loving anyone for more than two years.  But who can I blame?  Of course, the only possible suspect, as usual: white people.

Day 978: SAMerica Tour Day 10: New Mexico Tech

1000daysofcomedy, albuquerque, desert, family restaurant, Hopi, live music, new mexico, New Mexico Tech, NMT, old town, old town new mexico, puke, sandias, sandias mountains, security guard, socorro, Southwest, superstition, Tex Mex, tram, University

*In this final stretch of my 1,000 days I’m taking a 12 day tour of America, across 8 states, and 12 cities. It is the most complicated travel schedule I’ve ever attempted and the final major hurdle of accomplishing this 1,000 days. Here is my itinerary: San Jose to Lubbock, TX to Dallas, TX to Detroit MI, to Urbana, IL to St. Louis, MO to Carbondale, IL to Philadelphia PA to Albuquerque, NM to Portales, NM to Scorro, NM to Pittsburgh, PA to Washington, PA, back to San Jose, CA. All night to night, no missing a day..*

3rd day in New Mexico, and it’s starting to get Old Mexico if you know what I mean! No, actually, I really like this state. I like the culture, the art, and it looks like the desert but is not as hot. And any place that has ample Tex Mex food is good with me.

Today we took the tram up to the Sandias Mountains, passing over beautiful rock formations, trees, and wildlife. At the top there was a nice breeze, and I got to appreciate the fresh air. It was a quick stop at the top, just to look, snap a picture and go down. That’s plenty for me. Currently I’ve noticed I have the tendency to reach for my phone and snap a pic whenever I see something breathtaking, without taking a moment to enjoy it for myself. I don’t like this. Are we doing it just to share the beauty with others, or are we trying to brag, or is it some kind of disease society has now? I’m considering getting rid of my phone…not just yet though.

We walk around in old town Albuquerque, which I really like. There’s live music in the plaza, and weird, Native American shops. I get approached by a kid who’s selling art work he drew influenced by his Hopi heritage. He says if I hang it in my room it will protect me, and you know I’m a big sucker for superstition, and I love Native American art and philosophy, so I bought one. I walk past some street vendors, and a 10 year old girl just starts puking. Just one heave after the next, covering the ground. Her mom is apologizing, but it seems like this has happened before, like she always eats too much. The vendors are trying not to look pissed as the area next to them gets covered with puke. It smelled really bad too, I wonder what she ate.

We head to Socorro, where New Mexico Tech is. Surprisingly it’s very cool outside, with some clouds, and green mountains in the background, not at all what I’d expect in New Mexico, but I love it. I find my way to the auditorium, and they take me to my dressing room, where I eat some nuts and work on jokes. They have a security guard escort me because apparently the last comedian there got their stuff stolen. Thanks for telling me that, I won’t be thinking about that at all while I’m performing. NOT!

The room is about half filled, and obviously so, as the kids left the front center area wide open. My performance starts slow, and throughout it, one by one kids start walking out. It’s very disheartening. But for every kid that walked out, 2 new ones came in, so it was some kind of weird shuffle until half way in my set the room was almost full. I get into the dirty stuff and start crushing (shocker). I notice this school is very mature for a college. I finish the show strong, sell some cds, and make some friends.

Afterward the students take me out to eat at a local ‘family’ restaurant, where none of the employees looked related. I got some trout and chips and guac, and was very satisfied by the family. They invited me to the bar after for a drink, but I’m tired and I have an early flight in the morning. Also, I think it’s in my policy not to be hanging out with the kids, so dinner will suffice. I like how I call them kids, they are only 6-10 years younger than me. Maybe they were kids when I was 24. But we’re all adults now, and there’s no turning back..