I am no more of an expert on love than Dr. Drew, though I definitely talk less about molestation. My background is not in psychology or biology, but If there is a mathematical formula for love, I could teach the proof to children. My credentials: UC Berkeley Applied Math’06, 3.91. That’s GPA, not inches.
I may not have the best track record with love relationships, but then again, who does? That’s right, your old high school friends Dave and Suzie, who dated at 16, went to prom together, got married at 22, and now they live on a farm somewhere. Or their house feels like a farm because of all the kids and animals. Look, not everyone can be Dave and Suzie. But there’s a valuable lesson we can learn from them: they simply gave up early. There’s a fine line between committing to someone and just giving up on trying to find other stuff. Dave and Suzie are still together, because they let their respective egos die a long time ago. They didn’t bother wondering what else is out there or setting crazy high standards that they impose on one another. They just love each other deeply and sincerely. And it makes all of the rest of us sick.
That said, everyone wants to find their own Dave or Suzie. But how do we know? How do we know if it’s the real Dave or the real Suzie? There has to be some test we can put them through. Some convoluted, selfish, idiotic test of love. Hence, the way we date in today’s society: Games and tests that we put our ”partner” through to see if they really love us. But there is no solid test of love. Those who pass your tests may not really love you. Those who don’t may actually love you, but your painful tests make them realize they can do better. “If I break up with Danny, and start seeing Thomas, will he fight for me?” Hell no, Danny, run!
I believe that a test of true love has nothing to do with what another person does for you, but everything to do with how you feel about them. A simple test to know if you truly love someone is if you play the game ‘f*ck, marry, kill’ and you can’t decide, because would put that person in each of those categories equally. Lust, longevity, insanity. That’s true love.
Okay, enough preaching. I really don’t know sh*t. But, the other night, I looked like I did, at Tommy T’s in Pleasanton (where I was booed off the stage a few weeks ago… Yeah, I came back for more). I’m stopping by to do a guest set on my buddy Ric James’s show. Ric has just gone through a terrible break up, with the girl he was with for seven years… She was his Suzie, and now it’s over. Just entering the room, you can feel a sentiment of deep heartbreak in the air. He picks at his chicken tenders, unable to eat, and then goes up to host the show, just talking about how much it sucks and how sad he is. “I f*@kin hate this”, he keeps saying. And the crowd just reflects the sad energy back. As if everyone in the room is going through it too and can’t help. However, I am not heartbroken, so while he’s on stage I ponder what is going on while eating his chicken tenders (why let them go to waste?)
After a few more comics, I go up, and at the beginning of my set, I ask a girl in the crowd, who looks troubled– like she’s not having fun– what she’s learned so far tonight from the comedians before me. She says, “nothing”. I say, “Well that’s too bad! Surely you’ve learned something! At least some stuff about d*@k and p*@@y, you feel me!” The crowd laughs. And then I go on to do my jokes, starting with sex puns to get these animals on board, but then moving to deeper stuff. I do genuinely want her to feel like she’s learned something. Why else should she leave the house? To hear stuff she already knew? The set is going well, but at the end she still looks wanting , so I ask, “Okay, what do you want me to teach you? I’ll teach you about anything you want. Anything. I used to be a teacher you know”.
She looks at me blankly for a second, then looks down, and looks up, and says, “Okay… Love. Teach me about love.” We lock eyes for a moment, and I understand completely. She’s recently been heartbroken, and now she’s trying to understand love, and how to find it again. “Okay, great. I’ll teach you how to find love,” I say. She looks pleased, and eager to hear. The crowd looks at me like “there’s no way he’s going to pull this off.”
I start riffing on love, using parts of jokes I’ve already written that have the word ‘love’ in them. They get a few laughs, but people can see I’m not really going straight for the heart of the topic; more just falling back on jokes. So then I really try to dig. I start thinking out loud. “Love is a four letter word.” The audience stares, silent. I continue, “If you rearrange the letters in the word love, you get ‘velo.’ Which means ‘veil’ in Italian and Spanish. Note that veils are worn at weddings. And funerals. So love is both uniting, and parting. Happy and sad. White and black. Spanish and Italian.”
The audience can tell I’m struggling to find something with this. I try again, “If you rearrange the letters in the word love… You can spell… Evolve.. If you add some more letters.” The crowd chuckles at this ridiculousness. I’ll ride with this. “That’s right, if you add an extra v and an e to love, and rearrange a little, you get ‘evolve’. Because real love makes you evolve as a human being!” The crowd is on board now.
“So, to find love, you have to first evolve, then give up the extra v and e.” People are laughing… But mostly because it doesn’t make sense yet. I press on: “That’s right. “If you’re a young lady looking for love, first focus on evolving yourself. You can only find love when you first evolve, and then… Give up the V… Which stands for… Vagina! And E, which stands for… Expectations.” The crowd is laughing now, because I got them with their favorite topic… Genitalia! But they’re also still asking “what the f*@ck?”
I’m like “Right ladies? First, evolve, and then all you gotta do is give up the p*@@y a little bit, and relinquish your expectations, and THEN you’ll find love!” And suddenly it all made sense. All the dudes in the room are clapping. The women are laughing, because it’s true. I still have a few minutes on stage, but I get off at that pulse, because I’m not gonna top that. The crowd cheers, and I can see her smiling. I just helped some fella in Pleasanton get lucky tonight. 🙂
Okay, you may not think what I did there was funny, but I guess you just had to be there. More importantly, one week after this night Ric actually ended up getting back with his girl, and they are now getting married on Valentine’s Day, 2/14/14. Crazy, right? I’d like to credit my moment on stage for him calling her and saying the right things to get her back (though it was probably just loneliness). But the point is, even guys have to evolve, let go of expectations, and then give up the p*@@y of their minds to find love. Yeah, the p*@@y of your mind. Believe it, y’all. True love. Dave and Suzie.
Now, get out there and find someone to die slowly with.