Road Takes

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Assaulted While Performing

Last Friday I was physically assaulted while performing. Not at a dive bar or open mic, but a company holiday party, where I was hired to entertain employees, their spouses, and children (it wasn’t a kid who attacked me, though I would be equally as traumatized). My comedy set… imagine a holiday-themed crucifixion with an open bar and buffet. Half the room is trashed, in loud conversations, completely disregarding the show. Some are laughing and trying to listen, while some are YELLING mean things: “You’re not funny”, “bring back the DJ”, “F#@k you”, and even a bad racial joke about me being Indian (which is ironic because I have the same joke). After 45 minutes of trying to follow comedy’s golden rule (“just have fun”), an employee rushes the stage mid-joke, grabs the mic, and asks the DJ to play me off. Mind you, this employee did not book me, nor has any designated authority READ MORE

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9 Scary Secrets I Learned in Russia that Every American Should Know

So I took a secret trip to Russia last month, and I know, how is it a secret when I posted it all over my Instagram?  Well, I just assume nobody pays attention to me, so everything I do publicly is a secret, like my last blog post that basically predicted the death of Gene Wilder, but oh well, when World War III happens and you look back to see that I predicted it in this post…JK you can’t look back when you are dead. On the 10th day of the 9th month (that’s how they do dates in Russia) I flew to Moscow to perform comedy for the Russian people (because they ‘get’ me, also I was scared to say no).  The Russians, in confidence, showed me some SUPER CRAY shit that I was hesitant to post for fear of them coming after me, but I already emailed the whole story to a friend, READ MORE

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The REAL Explanation Behind the Recent Celebrity Deaths

It began with Greg Giraldo’s passing in 2010 that I noticed something. I figured I was just high and overanalyzing, but then in 2011, when Nate Dogg, Heavy D, and Amy Winehouse passed, I noticed it again. My mind began to race, I pulled up my pants, cleared my web history of porn, and began googling celebrity deaths in the recent years to see if the pattern held up…what the…Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman, Lena Horne, Patrick Swayze, AND Farrah Fawcett? Seriously…the legend George Carlin too? Wait..the king Michael Jackson!! Oh my god, no, no…sex symbol BEA ARTHUR! Pants back down. How could this be possible and nobody has noticed it? I decided to keep the theory to myself, for fear that I’d be crucified like Jesus (who this theory also applies to), but lately I’ve been feeling ready to die like Biggie Smalls (who this theory does not apply to but I will explain why READ MORE

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Donald Trump Supporter Heckles Stand Up Comedian

By Jasper P. Gold March 16, 2016 Yet another Donald Trump supporter has attacked a frail ethnic person, albeit this time, an emotional attack.  And unlike the settings of the previous incidences —Trump rallies and anti-Trump protests— this was actually somewhere fun (in theory): a stand up comedy show. Known worldwide for his eight-second appearance on the Food Network in 2010 (I personally don’t eat food; also checked out a few of Obeid’s clips online, he’s not that funny), LA-based comedian ‘Sammy Obeid’ was headlining The Comedy Bar in Chicago last weekend, and I mistakenly bought tickets thinking it was David Blaine. Wearing a v-neck (speaking of mistakes), Obeid begins his set with jokes about ‘Israel/Palestine’, a popular topic amongst elite buzz-killers.   But just when you’d think Obeid’s choice of subject matter can’t get any more stupid, he scurries into math jokes, displaying his mastery of dividing a room. While a handful of tables READ MORE

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Meet my Intern in Israel: Uri Ish-Shalom

“Sammy, what are your goals for 2016?” they ask (“they” being my parents, after a long talk about cutting me off their Sprint plan).  I’m a millennial, and thus better than them, so I can respond calmly with a deeper, spiritual question: “Mom, dad…why must we always focus on goals, i.e. what we could have in the future, when we can focus on what we have right now, which for me is… 2k in savings and my recent investment in a WORLD CLASS JEWISH INTERN WORKING FOR ME IN ISRAEL RIGHT NOW AND HIS NAME IS URI ISH-SHALOM!” The door slams in my face, as my parents kick me out, noting that what I said was not spiritual, nor a question.  Do they think I’m joking, or can they not see my sincerity like my trusted blog readers (who look very sexy today, might I add?) can.  Okay, so we all know the hacky joke READ MORE

DOG BLOG SAD

I’m Gonna Blog Again

A few weeks ago I’m talking to a beautiful girl at a bar in LA (I won’t name names but let’s just say the girl’s name is Sassafras and the bar’s name is Jessica.)  We just met, but we’re hitting it off, she seems to be strangely in tune with my comedic sensibilities (I’m getting butterflies just telling you about this), and she suddenly stops, looks me deep in the eyes and genuinely laughs (I don’t want to spoil this story, but I’m in love, and she’s the one)…she says, “This is weird, but you look so familiar…” !!  As dreamy and awesome as it is to hear this, I have been on TV, and thus know how to handle this situation.  Take a deep breath. Even though the ego wants to rejoice, you must maintain a humble tone, and say something low-key, so I say “Ahh…well, you must have seen me on one of READ MORE

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I’m Sick and Tired of All This White Bullshit

The snow!!  Oops, I meant to post a pic of a snowflake.  Eh, too lazy to change it.  I swear I’m not racist, I’d hate snow if it were any color (except whatever color my skin is).  It’s just that I’m sitting out here in New England, where, historically, olivey-brownish guys like me get held down by the Man… That’s right, Frosty the Snow Man!  I’m begging him to give me the D… The vitamin, but he keeps making it snow to the point where it’s seeping into my ears and brain and now I can’t even focus on writing my revolutionary submission piece for Buzzfeed called “19 Things I Hate About White People, Because 19 Is Where I Ran Out Of Ideas.”  So this post will just have to be about snow. :/ But I pulled some strings and got my own blog to publish it! Last Tuesday I was supposed to fly into READ MORE

The Chooser

Several weeks ago, I was walking down the street and I passed a homeless man panhandling. I took in his pitiful situation and thought to myself “what if I…. Helped him?” Anyway, here’s the result of that one-off thought experiment: a sketch starring and put together by some of my comic friends. It’s the season of giving, so give it your undivided attention. Bring the family. Merry winter.

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When Someone Tells You “You Suck” :/

I’ve been doing comedy for seven heart-wrenching years, but been doing the human being thing for a soul-crowbarring 30.  And yet, I still have no clever response to a meanie dropping a “you suck” bomb on me.  And I hear it all the time, whether it’s an attack on my comedy while on stage or an ex telling me off for not picking up her calls.  Unfortunately, I can’t just delete every “you suck” from my voicemail; it often permeates the brain and lingers for years.  And the “you suck,” no matter what shape it takes (“you smell weird,” or  “stop calling me and hanging up, you sad, sad clown,” etc.), is the basis of all hatred in this world, responsible for wars, every case of suicide, and, most depressing of all: “mean people suck” bumper stickers. But c’mon! There’s got to be a better way of coming back at such a simple expression without resorting to anger, violence, or a hack READ MORE

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3 Secrets I Used To Go Viral

So I’ve gone viral AGAIN! (The first time being when I got infected in May, see last post). More recently, a video of mine went viral on one of the highest-trafficked websites in the world (arguably the universe), World Star Hip Hop! For those unfamiliar with the self-dubbed “#1 urban outlet,” CBS News describes the site as “infamous for posting videos of violent fights and public sexual acts.”  My video was neither AND YET still yielded over 200,000 views. Let’s see what users are saying: Okay Trillest Ever, it’s been over ten days and I haven’t forgotten, so looks like you aren’t as trill as your verification suggests! And yes Greg4422, white people love it! Now, if you’re still reading you’re probably thinking, “DAMN I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS GUY’S VIDEO, I’VE NEVER SEEN A VIDEO BEFORE, THIS SOUNDS SO INTERESTING.”  I sense some sarcasm in your tone, but first I want to share READ MORE

I’m Palestinian, My Roommate is Jewish

My roommate and I wrote and filmed this sketch a few years ago, but some friends I showed it to shot it down. So we never released it. Suddenly, it’s topical, so f*@k those friends. Enjoy.