By Jasper P. Gold
March 16, 2016
Yet another Donald Trump supporter has attacked a frail ethnic person, albeit this time, an emotional attack. And unlike the settings of the previous incidences —Trump rallies and anti-Trump protests— this was actually somewhere fun (in theory): a stand up comedy show.
Known worldwide for his eight-second appearance on the Food Network in 2010 (I personally don’t eat food; also checked out a few of Obeid’s clips online, he’s not that funny), LA-based comedian ‘Sammy Obeid’ was headlining The Comedy Bar in Chicago last weekend, and I mistakenly bought tickets thinking it was David Blaine.
Wearing a v-neck (speaking of mistakes), Obeid begins his set with jokes about ‘Israel/Palestine’, a popular topic amongst elite buzz-killers. But just when you’d think Obeid’s choice of subject matter can’t get any more stupid, he scurries into math jokes, displaying his mastery of dividing a room.
While a handful of tables feed Obeid sympathy laughs, a particularly wealthy/conservative/‘Bush was right’ looking table in the stage-left wing (ironically not stage right-wing, you like that writing?), doesn’t seem to be laughing or even smiling at Obeid’s better-suited-for-a-Monday-night-poetry-open-mic material.
After twenty more minutes of the sad clown’s audible garbage, one of the laughing tables applauds, and a positive (so he thinks) heckler exclaims, “We love you, Sammy!” To which the overly-excited Lebanese-Palestinian American (which he insisted on letting us know early in his set. Why do ethnic comics always announce their culture as if we are taking a census?), asks, “Wait, is that sincere?”
Before the heckler can answer, he is interrupted by a second heckle, coming from the conservative table. A man in a festive orange Cosby-esque sweater utters a perfectly sincere “No.”
A perplexed Obeid (my new stage name for him), trying to determine if the two heckling tables are there together, asks the second heckler, “Wait, you don’t like me?” (LOL as if he doesn’t know that people like us exist).
The orange-sweatered heckler, instead of confirming his dislike, fires back with an even more cryptic, “I don’t know you”, sending a chill through the room that welcomes the v-necked LA boy’s nipples to a Chicago winter.
We see the wheels turn inside Obeid’s oversized head, as he tries to rationalize out loud, “Well yea, that’d be weird if you did know me. Like if my uncle came to my show to heckle me, he’d be an asshole, am I right?” (I may have added the ‘am I right?’, it just sounds like something this hack would say)
The heckler finally speaks the truth, “You’re an asshole.”
And the Cosby sweater holds up to it’s name in assault, as the room breaks into “Oo’s” and “Oh, no he dih-in’t”s.
It’s at this point where our prayers are answered and Obeid is given the 5 minute light to get off the stage (and also where I begin to wonder, as someone who’s been killing it in internet journalism for at least 2 years, how does a comic of 9 years not have a good comeback? Like I would have at least told the guy to suck my dick or pointed to my dick and thrusted or something clever like that).
As the math-major, turned comedian struggles to calculate the wreckage, the original positive-heckler, yells, “We love you man, don’t mind that asshole, keep telling your jokes!” A traumatized Obeid (even better stage name!) still can’t even tell if that’s sincere, but the remainder of the crowd — even the other people at orange sweater’s table— cheer for for more comedy (I cheered too because I didn’t want to look weird, but I silently hated it).
Obeid, realizing he’s only got a few minutes left, abandons the hecklers and finishes his set, which he does, in a surprising second wind of absolute mediocrity.
Even as the crowd empathetically cheers his final joke as they would a nine year old learning to ride a tricycle, Obeid is still clearly affected by the seemingly random act of verbal abuse just moments before. He leaves the stage, teary-eyed, with what seems like a well rehearsed (probably in the bedroom), “Sorry about that, guys”.
Moments after walking off stage with his head down, a server at the club reveals to Obeid that the orange sweatered man had been loudly boasting his support for Trump before the show. No coincidence, right before the attack, Obeid had told two Trump ‘jokes’ (I use parentheses because none of them even compared Trump to Hitler, like a real joke does).
In the first ‘bit’ Obeid says, “I’m going to go to a Donald Trump Rally. I think I’d get a lot of face time on the camera. Just make crazy poses and wear a shirt that says ‘Muslims for Trump’”, followed by a lame act out of him dancing.
Even less amusing, the next bit: “I hope Trump makes it all the way in the race, does really well to where he’s about to win, but then doesn’t. Just so a lot of people get scared shitless for a moment, and then realize how much we appreciate each other and our sublte differences.” (Ugh, I feel embarassed even covering this story)
After the show I was able interview the crying lil bitch Obeid and ask him the real question that matters: are Trump and Hitler the same person? He answers, “Well, Trump is a Gemini, and Hitler was a Taurus, which shows you that..” I cut Obeid off right there, because I was tired of hearing his bullshit.
“Why are people so mean?” he cries, the saline rolling down his naive, unfunny cheeks. I wasn’t sure if he was still talking about the heckle or a just general remark on how today’s world gets off on mean humor.
He wipes his tears, crawls out of fetal, and continues, “The bright side is, the rest of the audience felt sorry for me, so I sold 20 of my Abearica T-shirts after the show, which is a record high!” (I don’t know what ‘Abearica’ is or didn’t bother to look up the reference to his stand up, but it sounds like stupid pun).
He chuckles (and only he chuckles), “I made so much money off of merch tonight, I think I’m just gonna make crying my new closer haha. I mean, yea it’s not the moral choice, but it will be good for me financially. WHOA, maybe, I’m the Trump supporter?!”
Yikes. Leave the irony to the journalists, Sammy.
Follow Jasper P. Gold on Twitter: @SammyObeid