1001

2013: Worst Year of Life, Best of Career

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What can I say about 2013 other than it was a huge mindf*@k. The year that kicked me in the nuts when I was down, but then made my dreams come true. The year that I accomplished the one thing that I put more heart and effort into than anything else in my whole life, was also the year that almost killed me, inside and out. Yet, leaving 2013 I feel nothing less than strength and fearlessness. My whole paradigm has flopped after what this year has put me through, and I now understand what’s most important in life…uhhhhh NUTHIN.

Here’s the highlights:

1/1: Celebrate New Years alone in my car, no phone calls, and one mass text from some Indian dude I don’t really know
1/6: Jump in the Pacific Ocean naked with a bunch of random Europeans
1/14: Get my first commercial ‘on avail’ for role of ‘Brazilian soccer player’
1/16: Start seeing a therapist
1/26: Perform for my Texan grandma at the Majestic Theatre in Dallas where she went as kid in the 1930’s
2/9: Turn 29, 5 people show up to my birthday show
2/18: Book 50 colleges at NACA nationals in Nashville, income suddenly moves up to 6 figures
2/19: Record my first comedy album in SF on 1 hour of sleep
3/17: Walk an angry crowd member in SF after a 9/11 joke
3/24: Graduate the UCB improv program in Hollywood after 2 years of struggling
3/31: Win a $5,000 competition at Tommy Ts on Easter
4/7: Almost die in my car after spinning circles on a slippery freeway
4/25: First time in Hawaii!
5/6: Perform for 2.5 hours at a bar in SF, new personal record
5/9: Rejected by the Montreal festival for the 3rd time
5/24: Told I’m ugly and look like sh*t by 4 people in 24 hours
5/25: Discover that a medication I’ve been on for 2 years is destroying my hair, skin, and liver
5/26: Get off medication, begin 6 months of severe burning pain on my head and sun allergy
5/27: Anxiety attacks begin
5/28: Dream I’m on Conan and bomb so bad that I get booed off the stage
6/5: Headline Comedy & Magic Club for my 6 year anniversary in comedy, and get heckled the whole set
6/23: Bomb at my college buddy’s Punjabi wedding during an anxiety attack
6/24: Start intense detox diet to help lessen the head pain
6/29: Consider suicide in my Arizona hotel
6/30: Decide to postpone suicidal thoughts until after 1,000 days is up
7/9: Zimrider pukes in my car
7/13: OKCupid date from hell
7/31: Bomb at Comedy Juice in Hollywood, decide I’m quitting comedy, for good this time
8/1: Get booked on Conan, back in comedy again
8/8 Secure Largo in LA as the venue for my 1,000th day
8/22: Lose my driver’s license on a 2 week college tour across America, have to bum rides and take busses
9/6: Randomly find my license at the Dallas airport on a layover
9/17: Perform my Conan set for naked women playing with toys on Playboy Radio
9/18: Perform and air on Conan on TBS
9/19: Sign with a manager
9/20: Make the New York Times on my 1,000th day of comedy
9/21: Sell out the SF Punch Line, completing 1,001 nights of comedy, standing ovation
9/22: Discover Netflix
10/4: Start a 2 month long college tour across America
10/8: Hike the Appalachians, high
10/13: Jog the Rocky steps in Philly
10/14: Climb the Statue of Liberty hungover
10/24: Head pain starts to go away after 4 days in cold Chicago
11/7: Recognized for being on TV for the first time, at a cafe in Peoria, IL
11/14: Book 50 more colleges for 2014 at NACA
11/17: Smoke with my old friend from Junior High in Columbus, OH
12/1: Feature at San Jose Improv and Rooster T Feathers in the same night (make South Bay history)
12/11: Hire my assistant, the great Brian Regan
12/17: My one hour of sleep album makes ‘Best of 2013′ on iTunes
12/26: Get booed off the stage at my home club in the East Bay, Tommy T’s
(not always a happy ending)

Hope your 2013 was just as much of a hellof a ride as mine! And wishing you best in 2014! 2014 is OUR year! Yes, all of us! All of us, except Tim. F*@k that guy.